What do you do when your partner starts to change and he or she is no longer the one you were initially attracted to? How can someone so right became so wrong after a while? What changed? Whose fault is it?
The answer is not as complicated as you think. There is never anything wrong with the person we are with; only our perception of them may be faulty. This may seem like a mouthful. Let me walk you through the basic relationship syndrome.
1) The changing game
When you start dating someone, everything is rosy and exciting. With time, you start to notice that your partner has some “flaws”, that he or she is starting to act differently, or that he or she is no longer meeting your needs.
The first instinct is to think that your partner has changed and that this is no longer the person you first met. This thinking gives you permission to complain about your partner. As you play the changing game, or blaming game if you prefer, you begin to give yourself reasons for breaking up or growing apart.
Even if you breakup with Mr. or Mrs. Right, who is now Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, the cycle repeats with the next partner on your path. We are left pondering why people change on us all the time? What happened to the sweet person we once met?
We have all been there in one way or another. But it’s not as hopeless as it seems.
2) The broken mirror
Don’t be shocked when I say that the problem is not with the other person. Your partner is still the same person you fell in love with, perfect in every way.
When we first meet someone, we often project unconscious parts of our self onto that person. We project certain ideals that we carry within us of what our perfect partner would be like. This process creates a mirror effect.
Because of this mirroring, most often we are not seeing the real person as he or she truly is. What we see is a mirror of our own self, unconscious parts of our mind reflected back to us. As the old saying goes, “we see what we want to see”.
But for most of us, eventually the mirror breaks and we stop seeing our projected ideals. When this happens we become disillusioned with the other person and the relationship.
At this point, you have the choice to see the real person you are with.
3) The flawless partner
As I said before, your partner is still the same person you fell in love with in the deeper sense. Your partner is as innocent, perfect, radiant, luminescent, and lovable as you are. Nothing about your partner has really changed, only your perception of your partner has changed. If you can look beyond the circumstances, you can tune into the perfection of the other person.
It’s important to remember that just as you are perfect in every way, so is the person you are with. The bottom line is: The only thing in the way of you seeing your partner as perfect is the idea you hold that your partner should be something else or should act differently. When you release the idea that your partner must act in a certain way, you love your partner for what he or she truly is.
My husband and I made a vow when we got married to always see each other as perfect. We even engraved a perfection motto inside our wedding rings. Whenever one of us is seeing the other as less than perfect, we remind each other of our vows. This flawless partner concept has been immensely valuable for our marriage.
When we see the other person as perfect, that person becomes perfect in our eyes and in their eyes. This recognition is extremely powerful and transformational. It can provide a great deal of healing and comfort.
Remember that your happiness is your choice. It’s that simple!
I understand that this may be challenging for some people in certain circumstances, such as verbally or physically abusive relationships. Therefore, stay tuned for my next post where I’ll explore how this concept of perfect relationship works when there are especially challenging situations.
With you always in my heart,
Andrea
Hello Andrea,
I really enjoyed reading this, and it is so good to see someone deal with this topic so effectively.
I have often given some of the same advice you offer here. Many, and I have done this myself, fail to recognize that much of their relationship issue is their own perceptions. Happiness IS a choice and being happy with a partner is no different. As you said so well, we can change partners but all we really do is start the whole process over again.
Great Job Andrea. I’ll definitely recommend this to others.
Thanks Keith! Seeing the perfection in others instead of the mirror can be challenging but it’s very rewarding. I love when in the middle of the drama we can just step back, notice the projections that we’re doing on, and choose perfection and happiness instead. Sometimes it doesn’t happen as smoothly but it’s still perfect. It’s definitely worth it so we don’t repeat the same process over again.
Thanks for visiting and sharing! Loving blessings!
Yes, noticing what I am doing while in the midst of drama, usually ends the drama! That’s the key, I think, to be aware.
New from Keith – TRUST!
True! Awareness is one of the great gifts we can give ourselves. It’s a path for growth. :)
The problem we have with relationships is our expectations which come from our exposure to life, beliefs and fantasies. This clouds our perceptions which fail as reality bites in after the feelings disappear.
When two become one in a permanent partnership, the individualities of both should merge into a new being. Both the strengths and weakness of the partners then become a totally new entity where they are interdependent on each other.
Trying to change your partner to match your perception will result in conflict, strife and failure.
New from Andre – Comment on Serial Killer Strikes Time and Again by Farouk
Hi Andre! You are totally right! When we don’t have expectations we can openly accept what shows up in our lives with curiosity. This also applies to our partners. Without expectations, they are always perfect and there is no need to change anyone. With time, two become one and also many become one as we all compliment each other beyond a partnership.
Thanks for visiting and contributing so beautifully! Loving blessings!
Andrea,
It is funny how people fall in love with opposite personality later to find faults in them. I always have said, falling in love is lot easier, maintaining love is not difficult but takes some considerations on our part.
Being married to your best friend helps, as I know. Great tips! Love your blog.
New from Preeti @ Heart and Mind – Enlightment- An Awareness and Understanding
Hi Preeti! I agree that being married to your best friend is an awesome bonus. And yes, falling in love can be really easy when we are open to love. Maintaining love sometimes takes more work depending on the perspective we take on love. Life can be as easy or as hard as we choose. :)
Great to see you here! Loving blessings, sweetie!