How can we find happiness and have a perfect relationship when our partner is abusive in some way? What if no matter how loving you are, your partner still behaves in a physically or verbally violent manner? This situation can be enormously frustrating, extremely challenging, and even dangerous, but not hopeless.
In my previous post, The Best Relationship Tip Ever, I explained the concepts of the “flawless partner” and of seeing perfection in others. We are going to apply the same concepts here, but with a different twist.
The first step is to avoid trying to change your partner. Since this is crucial, let me say it again. “Try not to change your partner”, even when you think his or her behavior is appalling. Got it? Stick with me here and it will all make sense in the end.
Arguing with reality
If we assume that our partner should act differently than he or she actually does, we immediately open the door to unhappiness. This is because when you argue with reality and refuse to accept what’s actually happening, you end up waging a battle you can’t win.
Let’s consider the following scenario. Keep in mind that this scenario can be applied to any behavior in any situation.
Ana wants John to keep his voice down when they argue. But the reality is that John raises his voice when he disagrees with Ana. For Ana to want him to act differently only creates unhappiness for both of them. She is unhappy with his behavior, and he is unhappy because of these complaints towards him. The solution for Ana is to accept that John raises his voice when he argues. She doesn’t have to like it, but she can accept his behavior for what it is instead of trying to change him.
Dissociating the behavior from the person
Now, how does it help you when you stop arguing with reality? When you are neutral about what your partner does, you are automatically content with yourself and with what’s going on. This may seem like a small thing, but it’s actually huge. You start seeing that everything that your partner does is perfect in its own way. The only thing that brings you unhappiness is trying to change him or her and thinking that they should be different.
Even more important, though, is noticing that what you are experiencing is only someone’s behavior. We are all so much more than the behavior we exhibit. When we go beyond the behavior, we then allow ourselves to see the real person behind it.
Exercising your right to choose
It’s also good to remember that you always have options, especially when dealing with physical or verbal abuse from your partner. Just because you can see someone’s perfection–regardless of their abusive behavior–doesn’t mean that you have to stay in a situation that is no longer optimal for you.
In the above example, even though Ana may love John and fully understand that he is perfect regardless of his yelling, she still has options. For example, she can wish him well but choose to live in a more peaceful environment. In this case, she is not leaving the relationship because he is abusive, wrong, or impossible. Ana is not blaming John. She is leaving because she wants something else in her life. She allows him to be who he is because she knows that her happiness does not rely on him being different. Her happiness relies only on herself.
There is also the option to stay in the relationship regardless of the behavior. As you become neutral regarding your partner’s behavior, his or her behavior no longer affects or hurts you. When you take the power away from the behavior, often your partner’s behavior starts to change. Once his or her behavior no longer has a hold on you, the offending behavior starts to fade away and may even disappear.
Having a great relationship
Our happiness ultimately depends only on us and not on who we are with. The best relationship you can ever have is with yourself. When you love yourself totally, you are free to love everyone else in the same manner. A happy ending to any relationship depends only on you and the love that you have to give, starting with yourself. Therefore, if you haven’t done it yet, start a love affair with yourself right away.
Breaking the rules
In truth, there are no rigid rules in relationships. When we make our choices based on love instead of resentment or hate, it all turns out ok in the end. So, I guess I can say that there might be one rule after all: Let your heart lead the way. This might sound a bit sappy, but a heart-centered approach wins every time.
Sharing your thoughts
It’s your turn now. What’s your idea of a perfect relationship? Do you have a love affair with yourself? How do you handle it when people act in ways that you consider abusive?
With you always in my heart,
Andrea
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Hi Andrea,
Enjoyed this follow up on your previous article on relationships! I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 7 years, and when I reached a point where I realized, I didn’t need to stay in such a union, and deserved better for myself, the relationship ended without much drama. This was a blessing because the ex is an alcoholic who works for a well known TV personality. The interesting part is, I wanted to be alone, was not interested in a new relationship, but met my soulmate two months later; he also wanted to be alone as he had also left an emotionally abusive relationship. Here we are 8 years later, and our relationship is an awesome one because ours is a spiritual union that reflects back our self love, and we don’t try to change the other. We both agree that this is what makes our relationship different from the ones we had in the past. We have found that by expressing total acceptance, trust arises, the playful side of our nature is expressed without repressions, love expands, and the need for drama is not there.
Thanks for your comments in my Hoponopono blog. :)
Hi Marie! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad that you found a beautiful relationship after such turmoil. It’s beautiful when we can express true love with our mate without games or drama. Acceptance is a key element in all relationships, including romantic ones.
It was great hearing from you. Loving blessings!
Andrea, I read some of these lines aloud for my hubby – I have had my share of bad relationships but thankfully, mine is now in a sweet state with my hubby of 8+ years. It was rocky at the start and so much of what you said could have helped me then but then again, maybe I had to make those mistakes to see….”We are so much more than the behavior we exhibit.” Great line and great post. And I think it’s really important to recognize when to leave an abusive relationship and when to separate the silly imperfect behavior from the real sweet person we came to love…..Thank you for this post!
Hi Farnoosh! It’s beautiful when we can see how far we’ve come and how now we can relate to people in a totally different way. Our partners are often our best teacher as they bring to the surface the facets we try to hide. It’s great when we can appreciate their beauty and their love. :)
Thanks for visiting and for sharing my words with your husband! Loving blessings!
Andrea,
I like the post. No one is perfect, and we have to accept that if we want any relationship to work. I have learned to be open and honest, as well as making sure to cherish times that are positive. It’s easy to start focusing on the negative side when things aren’t going incredibly well. You have to focus on a partners positive qualities and what you love about them, even when things aren’t going so well. That can really help maintain a good relationship.
Hi Joe! Yes, honesty and openness are very important. When you are honest with yourself, you show your true self to others and they can but fall in love with your radiance. Then, if you are open, you can receive all this love coming your way. That works beautifully with our partners.
Concentrating on the positive qualities of our partners is a wonderful gift to any relationship. :) Loving blessings!
Hi Andrea
Almost everyone has said it but worth repeating… none of us are perfect we are all flawed.
Getting on with each other is about living with those flaws, give and take.
Trouble is all these phrases sound like trite cliches… and I guess they are, but they are still true.
There are actually three secrets to a perfect relationship. Unfortunately… nobody knows what they are. LOL
lol. I’d like to know what you think the secrets are. :)
I consider the “flaws” we notice in others to be pieces of us that we don’t quite recognize/accept or misconceptions of others true nature. I believe that we are actually all perfect (deep down). What can I say, I’m a sunny side up kind of girl?
Loving blessings!
“I consider the “flaws” we notice in others to be pieces of us that we don’t quite recognize/accept…”
A lot of truth in that Andrea but not always easy to see.
I totally see your point. It’s most definitely not easy to see it. All we can do is try to be aware of it. That’s already a big step. Loving blessings!
Hi Andrea,
That was a fantastic post. If only I had known these things when I was married, but I guess that’s why we say older, but wiser. When you mentioned that we are so much more than our behaviors – that really struck a chord with me. That’s a good thing to keep in mind when we’re about to judge another person. Thank you for sharing your insights with us.
Hi Angela!
When interacting with people I also try to remember that we are not our behaviors to prevent me from judging others. I noticed how I use to judge people all the time based on what they did or said. Now, I try to look beyond what others say or do and it has led me to find beautiful beings everywhere.
Life is a wonderful journey. Loving blessings!
I adore this post! It’s so meaningful to hear your first-hand experience!