We have so many roles that we play in life that sometimes it is difficult to remember who we really are. We take on specific roles such as parent, friend, daughter, son, employee, and so on. We live these parts as if they are our identity trying not to disappoint others or ourselves for performing a less than perfect role.
And then there are all these other labels that are assigned to us based on birth such as astrological sign, based on certain behaviors such as a dosha type in the Ayurveda tradition, or based on testing such as personality and IQ testing. The list goes on and on.
How do you escape all the labels and parts that you have to play so you can be free and happy? Who are you anyway?
I tend to see the integration of our thousand masks into one as a three step process.
Fatal attraction
At first, we are comfortable with our labels and the roles we play because we have rehearsed them a million times. We know exactly what to do and what is expected of us when we play the familiar parts. We are fatally attracted to the same roles. To top it off, we can justify our behaviors based on the specific mask we put on.
When John rages at someone else, he can say that’s because he is Pita or Aries and that’s usually how they react under stress and so on. That is the role he is playing and there is nothing he can do about it because that’s who he thinks he is.
We get comfortable with the roles we play and the masks we put on even when we don’t like them. We mistakenly believe these masks are us.
To be or not to be the so called me
With time, we start to notice the way we are acting and how other are mirroring back that behavior at us. As we become aware of our behavior and how we label ourselves, we start to embrace the possibility of choice.
My husband is an astrology expert and he use to justify everything I did based on the Aries nature, my birth sign. If I was motivated about a project, it was because Aries are full of energy. If I gave up on the project, it was because Aries do not have persistence, and so on.
I noticed that even though I was exhibiting these behaviors, these behaviors were not who I was and they were not my identity. They were only a mere shadow of me and they did not define me.
Breaking free
Once you start to notice that the roles you have been playing are not really who you are, you can dissociate yourself from the masks you have put on. You then have the choice to continue putting on the same masks and playing these parts or you can act differently. When you act differently from what the role in question called for, you can be free from the role you once believed to be you.
For example, I can choose to finish projects that I am interested in instead of merely dropping them because that’s what I have always done as an Aries.
You don’t always have to be the perfect parent, the screwed up son, the rebel, the feminist, the good friend, the looser, the sensitive guy, or whatever you believe you are. You can for once just be you, free from labels, free from knowing who you are, and free from knowing who you have to be. Just you acting in the moment guided from your heart, no agenda.
Confessions of a spiritual geek
Noticing that you are playing a role is not always easy and I have to admit that this is still a work in progress for me. But sometimes I get lucky and I recognize when I am playing a role. At that moment I know that I am ready to let the mask go. It is a wonderful, exhilarating feeling to know that you have the choice to change who you think you are.
Taking a test drive
I encourage you to try. Pay attention to what roles you have assigned yourself. You may notice that sometimes you even feel proud or ashamed for the way you have performed that role. Try to drop the mask and tell yourself that you don’t have to play that part anymore. Identify how that role does not define you. It’s an incredible feeling to acknowledge that you are so much more than a limited role.
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Andrea,
The idea of examining the masks we wear holds great importance for self-awareness. Everyone wears masks, and some are less impacting than others. Though, the masks we wear that hold suite to our identity are one’s we really need to consider. Identifying with negative labels or past experiences can be very limiting. We must work to find ourselves amongst the many roles we all play so they fit together in a healthy manner. Thanks!
Hi Joe! Yes, identifying with negative labels and past experiences can be limiting. It is entertaining when we think we have outgrown a mask and others still see us with that mask out of habit. It’s a good exercise to notice if that bothers us or not. If we are not bothered by their old perception of us, we have really outgrown the label. If we get hooked by the fact that they don’t see us with new eyes, than there is more work to be done.
Great to see you here! Loving blessings, Andrea
Andrea: What a great post filled with helpful insights. I think you are so right that we can fall into the trap of playing roles and it ends up covering up who we really are. I think the suggestion you shared at the end in terms of detecting those times when you are playing a role is were really important. If we can know when we have departed from who we really are, we can always auto-correct and make certain we are being true and authentic. Great post.
Hi Sybil! Thanks for visiting and leaving such an insightful reply. Self-awareness is a work in progress. The more we notice who we have been up to now (or the masks we’ve put on), the closer we get to whom we really are. I agree that being true and authentic is an awesome path to be on.
Loving blessings, Andrea
Hello Andrea,
“You then have the choice to continue putting on the same masks and playing these parts or you can act differently.”
Power-packed statement. I think, that after self-awareness, it all comes down to this power of choice. Once we are aware we’ve stepped into a role, we CAN choose to step back out of it, With practice this becomes easier I think.
I love your comment above where you mentioned that it is entertaining when others still see us with a mask that we have actually outgrown. :-) So true. Thus the power of reputation!
Hi Keith! I believe you are right. With practice it becomes easier. I notice how hooked I am to a pattern is when someone else points it out to me and I try to defend myself. When someone points my pattern out to me and I laugh at myself for following in an old trap, then I know I’m ready to let go of it. I agree that we are the ones that have to choose to grow. :)
Loving blessings, Andrea
Dear Andrea,
I think that I am a lot older than you. We were doing this kind of stuff way back in the 70′s. Lots of different groups, modalities, occasions, tripping, meditation. I was there for the beginnings of the human potential movement. It was great. I miss the enthusiasm and curiosity and the willingness to go deep. Today is nothing like that. Most everybody is convinced that it was just a passing phase… a historical footnote. But every generation must do their work. Not just on an intellectual level, but at the deepest feeling levels, too, where the repression of our emotional lives can be almost ironclad.
It is very dangerous indeed when people think that they’re exempt, that none of the breakthroughs ,then, have relevance, now. Jesus said, “Physician, heal thyself!” Today, everybody is just interested in blaming their troubles on someone else.
When you know yourself, you can wear the masks and play at Life without taking it too seriously and getting lost. In the East, they call it Leela. On the other hand, developmentally, we have to work through our misidentifications gradually and somewhere around the Saturn Return (see your hubby), we start to get clear if we are doing the work. After assiduously working on Mother, Father, past lives, fears, trauma and conditioning and my own spiritual ego, I can say that I have reached a place of knowing my Self and that I have no role confusion. What I do notice is that sometimes someone can sneak a zinger in and catch me off guard and then I will have to stop and re-evaluate for a while and I may have to verbally draw my boundaries and/or discontinue a unsupportive and potentially dysfunctional relationship. There is a price you pay for being open, because the human ego is the trickiest entity ever invented. So sometimes discernment comes after the fact. But it still pays to be open and not guarded. In the end I don’t have trouble doing this because I love myself and am supported by a wonderful wife
and good friends.
Remember, wholeness cannot be achieved without considering the whole person and that means that feelings must be honored and embraced. Talk therapy or predominantly intellectual processes do not address the whole person and therefore do not work in liberating the Self.
One Love,
Tiger Windwalker
Hi Tiger Windwalker!
Thanks so much for being so honest. It is always beautiful to see someone sharing so deeply. I applaud you for the work you’ve done on yourself and for the long path you’ve walked towards getting to know yourself. I agree that the blame game gets us nowhere and that we must honor our feelings.
May you continue on the road to liberating the Self and may your path be shining and full of grace.
Loving blessings!